When I was pregnant, I prayed for the perfect child. My biggest worry was that I would have a child with down syndrome. I never dreamed that there were so many more disorders out there. Some not quite as bad as Stevie's and others much worse.
I prayed that I would have a "normal", healthy little boy. I never dreamed of what I would have to deal with. I never dreamed of all of the worries, the pain, the shock and all of the unanswered questions of having a special needs child.
When I gave birth to Stevie, I was so happy. He had all of his toes, and all of his fingers and he was beautiful. His head was a little odd-shaped and even a little large compared to his body. But I thought my prayers were answered. He was beautiful and "normal."
Imagine my shock when I went for his two week checkup and was told that something wasn't right. I couldn't understand how they could think something was wrong with my precious little boy. How could this be? How could this happen to me? To my little boy? What was going on here? I was filled with so many questions and concerns.
As we went through all the tests; ct-scans, and the MRI. As we went through even more tests;chromosones and genetic, I stood in shock as they told me that my little boy had a rare disorder and that a piece of his brain was missing.
A piece of his brain was gone? What was to become of my little boy? I was in such shock that the rest of what they said seemed to just disappear.
I wanted to run, grab my baby and run as far as I could from that hospital and those doctors for telling me all of this. I couldn't believe what they were telling me. My little boy was missing a piece of his brain? What kind of nonsense was this? No, they couldn't possibly be right. I didn't understand how they could be so cruel and tell me this.
Then came all of the questions and concerns. Why? Why did this happen? "We don't know." How? How did this happen" "We don't know how it happened." What do I have to look forward too? "We don't know, we'll just have to wait and see." I couldn't believe this. Here they were telling me that my son had some of his brain missing and they couldn't give me any answers. I was told to take him home and love him and just wait and see what happens. WAIT AND SEE? I needed answers! This was my son they were talking about and I had to wait and see?! It seemed like alot more stress than I was ready for.
As I came to accept the fact that they were right, I went through a guilt phase. What did I do wrong? This is my baby that I carried for nine months. What did I do or not do to deserve this? What did my innocent baby do to deserve this?
As I came to grips with my guilt and began to realize it was nothing that I did or did not do, I began to question God? Why did He do this to me? Why my little boy? I was so depressed thinking that I had done something wrong to have this happen to my little boy. I felt for sure that God was punshing me for something that I had done. I understood if God needed to punish me, but not my son. He didn't do anything to deserve this.
I came to realize that God wasn't punishing me. Instead, God loved me, for he gave me one of his most precious gifts. I was given the chance to love and care for one of God's most precious little angels. God trusted me enough to give me this little bundle of joy. He loved me enough to give this little boy to me to love and to cherish forever.
God knew that I would learn to cope and he knew that I was strong enough to handle whatever was thrown my way.
God knew that I would be the best mommy to Stevie, the best that I can be.
I have learned to cope and be strong and learned so much more by being blessed with my little boy. He has taught me so much in life. I never take anything for granted anymore. I know that along with lifes struggles there are many more rewards along the way. I know that I have one of the most precious rewards in life that there is... for I get to take care of my little gift from Heaven.
I get to see the happiness in his eyes everytime he accomplishes a milestone. I get to see his eyes light up when he does something new. I get to hear his laughter, feel his hugs, receive his wet kisses. I get to enjoy my precious little gift from Heaven. And believe me, I do.
Stevie has taught me to take life one day at a time. And not to rush through it, but enjoy it. Stop and smell the roses, look at the beautiful sunset and just enjoy life to its fullest.
Oh, the days be long and the nights may be short. but I wouldn't change a thing even if I could. I love my little boy just the way he is. I love my little gift from Heaven who has taught me so much. I would be so lost without him in my life. I wouldn't be the person that I am today, if it weren't for my precious little boy.
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